One Year Later

A year ago my life changed dramatically. I went from being a caregiver of a parent to not being one very quickly - had plans to go see Dad and Mary that afternoon and received a call from the memory care nurse at 11:53 am that I needed to come right away and he passed before I got there 30 minutes later. Even though my dad didn't live with us, his presence in my daily life had a huge impact on my family and I for 3 years and 7 months. His last four weeks on this planet were documented on his CaringBridge page (caringbridge.org/visit/fredjewell-justme). The support received through this page and elsewhere was greatly appreciated. 

My father was primarily a nomad a lot of his adult life. Even if he had a place to call home, he traveled for business a lot. Mom died from breast cancer when I was a freshman in college in early 1988. That summer, my dad moved from the rental house we had with her to an apartment and then into a condo he bought a few miles away in 1989. That was his bachelor pad with a 2nd bedroom upstairs for guests. There was no consistent contact with a home base for me after my mom died - no set weekly phone calls with my dad, no relying on him for any basic needs aside from some monetary funds or help moving the 5 times I moved when in college like some dads provide, not even set birthday celebrations or anything like that. My mom's family worked like clockwork for celebrations down to knowing who hosted which event each year until my grandma on that side passed away in 1998, 10 years after my mom did. That was the same year that my dad retired and abandoned having any home base for about 10 years. My kids didn't grow up going to visit grandpa's house. My dad showed up here for 3-4 weeks once a year and lived with us - many times when the kids were starting back up at school in August. He hoped that the kids connected better with him this way than short visits throughout the year. I think that worked better for my brother Andy than it did for me since Dad loved Oregon and they'd do minivacations while he was there. Dad was worn out when he arrived here and was ready to diet. The kids, especially Joanna, usually enjoyed his traveling companions more than him on his visits, especially Mary, who would play with them at their level. These visits would add stress to the family dynamic and throw the kids' routines out of whack, on top of the stress of school starting. The last such visit was in 2015. In 2016, he only stayed a week and he was already showing signs of Lewy Body Dementia but we didn't know what it was then. When he did establish a home base in 2009, it was 3,000 miles away. We went there as a family once in 2010 for a couple of days between Disney World and Washington DC on a 2-week trip. 

Although Dad's death was a blessing considering how awful Lewy Body Dementia made him feel and function and my life is considerably easier since his passing, I guess I miss him and his huge personality. I know he loved me and having one less person in the world who loves you has an impact. 

Since before his death - probably in a large part due to the pandemic - I've felt disconnected from everyone except a few close friends (local and faraway) and my kids and husband. This feeling is what led me to a strong belief that I needed to return to the Midwest. It hit me like a wave in January 2022 after I returned by myself from Indiana - a week before John and Joanna did. John's dad turned 90 on January 2nd and we were there to celebrate with all of my husband's family who live in Indiana. John and Joanna stayed to spend more time there and visit some colleges. I am incredibly grateful that John listened to my feelings and that we are moving to Indiana but wish there wasn't so much to do to make that happen. But we'll get there.

Leaving San Diego will help my healing journey as well since this place is now associated with him having Lewy Body Dementia more than anywhere else. 

I'll try to write more about my life as I do find it to be cathartic. Thanks for reading.